Today has been one of those days. All of you who are moms out there know what I'm talking about. The kids won't stop fighting, they want my constant attention, they want to be fed, they want to be held, they want their bums changed and wiped, they want boogers wiped off their faces, they want to go on a walk in 95 degree weather, they want to drip popsicles all over the kitchen floor, they want to dump goldfish and chips all over the couch and the floor, they want to shake my huge belly to wake the baby up and see if he has hiccups, they want to make sure that I can't sit down for five whole minutes to rest my aching, swollen, 39-week-pregnant feet...basically they want to be kids and I can't figure out why I'm having such a hard time with it.
Motherhood scares me sometimes, like right now. It seems the past two weeks have been especially trying and I don't know if it's because I am SO ready to get this baby out, but scared at the same time of having to figure out how to juggle three kids, or if it's because I'm having a hard time adjusting to a mommy schedule vs. a work schedule. I'm beginning to think that maybe I'm the one who needs a little more structured time. Maybe waking up whenever the kids get me up (which has been early the last month) is not the best idea. I usually wake up grouchy and eager to turn on PBS cartoons for the monkeys so that maybe I can go back to sleep for a half hour. Even then, I wake up feeling worse and the feelings perpetuate throughout the day. I feel guilty for using the TV as a babysitter. I feel like they watch too much TV right now anyway, which is not good. Nobody has to tell me that. This summer heat gets me down worse than the winter cold.
I even planned out activities for each weekday for my kids for June and July hoping that maybe I could avoid the summertime blues and boredom. We do park day and a picnic once a week, summer movie clubhouse once a week, parks and walks at night, the AirForce Museum, the train museum, Boondocks, we tried out a splash pad, and we even made our own bouncy balls and sand art vials--which is really going out on a limb for me. I feel like things have gone stale and that all I end up doing by the afternoon of each day is getting after my kids for fighting and for driving me crazy!
Sometimes I wonder about my abilities as a mother. It gets hard to keep up with the everyday demands of childhood. I don't know how my mother ever had five of us and I catch myself every day saying things and doing things I swore I'd never do when I was a mom. Boy how wrong and naïve I was about the concept of motherhood. I'm not saying I regret my choice to become a mother--I'm just saying that it's one hell of a tough job--the toughest job I've ever had and ever will have and some days it might be good to know that I'm not failing at this job because it is also the most important job I will ever have. Maybe that's why I stress so much about whether or not I'm a good enough mom or if I'm doing my best each day to make sure they are not only taken care of, but feel loved, by me. Sometimes I think most of our day is spent doing the mundane and that maybe too many days go by without real quality time. It's hard to keep up with the responsibilities of maintaining a household, taking care of kids, and a husband.
I'm not so insensitive as to not recognize that there are a lot of women out there who would give anything to be in the same situation as me--a wife and a mother. I know that blessing doesn't come for every woman and I am grateful for these callings in life, truly I am, but sometimes a girl just needs to vent. I think after taking my kids to two OB appointments this week and two dentist appointments, that I maxed out my patience card and my nerves. You can only explain so much to a 5-year-old about an exam to check the cervix for dilation when he's sitting in the same room. The horror! Taking two young kids with me to an appointment like THAT! Taj was especially curious about the gel the doctor put on his gloves and he loudly questioned if the doctor put that stuff on so my bum didn't get sore. Yes he did Taj, that's EXACTLY what that stuff is for!
Please tell me that I'm not going to implode when this third baby comes. All I hear from everyone is that the third one is THE hardest--thanks a lot people, not very encouraging for a mom on the edge already! Please someone tell me that it gets easier, or is that just the natural man in me crying for the easy way out? I'm very observant of the moms around me and it looks like you all have it "together," much more than I do. I know I shouldn't compare, but sometimes it's impossible to NOT to! This is me in my moment of weakness. This is me saying that I'm not going to give up just yet on myself as a mom. I'm going to keep plowing through and hoping for that ray of sun after the storm. Maybe our little man will be that ray that calms the storm inside me.
Thank goodness the dentist is actually fun for these guys, a tender mercy indeed.
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