Welcome to the World!

Our little man FINALLY made his debut three weeks ago today on July 21st at about 2:15 in the afternoon. It was a perfect, sunny day and I was glad to be indoors and getting this baby boy out and not outdoors suffering in the heat. Sawyer Clinton Morse weighed in at 7 lbs. 10 oz. and was 21 in. long. I told Brannon that I thought for sure he would be my biggest and he was. I swear that this pregnancy was MUCH harder this time around. I can't figure out if it's because I'm just getting older or if pregnancy just gets harder every time. We are 99.9999% sure he is our last baby and so I chose to stay the extra day in the hospital and to have more one on one time cuddling him. I held him pretty much the entire time I was in the hospital and the nursery staff had to practically rip him out of my arms to do all the usual newborn testing. I love those first hours with a newborn (minus the crazy afterbirth pains--which do get worse with every pregnancy by the way!). It really felt like heaven on earth, holding his little spirit so close to mine without interruptions from my other two littles.

Labor and delivery went really well. I labored without meds until I was about a 6 and by that time I just asked for the epidural so I didn't have to be third in line for it. After the epidural, it was smooth sailing from there for the most part. The only scary thing was Sawyer's heart rate kept going WAY down with every contraction after I had the epidural. It was a little worrisome and when I finally pushed him out, he wasn't breathing and we saw the reason why his heart rate kept going down--his cord was wrapped around his neck. My doctor was quick though and it was only a moment before our little man cried out. He basically scared the crap out of us, but only for a second. My doctor, Dr. Sumsion, is a rock star! If you live in my neck of the woods and are needing an excellent OB/GYN, definitely give him a try! Sawyer boy was born with a head full of dark hair and he looks so much like Taj and Haiv did when they were born. You can definitely tell they are siblings. The kids are so in love with him and constantly fight over who gets to hold him. Taj is constantly smelling him and then asking me what Sawyer smells like. My response: "Like heaven." I love new baby smell. On the downside, Taj then smelled me and asked me what I smelled like and I told him I smell like a "mom," haha. He told me I smell like a hat and when I asked him whether it was a clean hat or a dirty hat, he replied "clean," so at least it was a CLEAN hat.

Recovery has been a little rockier than my last two pregnancies. The afterbirth pains were horrendous for about two weeks and I ended up in the ER five days after I had Sawyer because I was passing blood clots the size of golf balls, which felt like giving birth all over again. I've never taken Percocet in my life, but this time around I actually filled the prescription and it didn't even touch the pain. Spending five hours in the ER is really fun with a newborn--surrounded by sick people, drunk people, and stuck in a cold, little room located right next to the bathroom made this trip especially exciting. A perfect way to kick off your new life at home with a new baby, right? Thankfully for us, my sister happened to be in town and watched the littles while Brannon went with me to the hospital.

Anyone else out there get hit hard with postpartum depression after they have their kids? I get nailed with it every time and I tried preparing myself mentally for it this time around, but it's still really hard. I feel like I battle depressing and extremely discouraging thoughts about every minute of the day. Plus, I feel irritable and my whole body feels like a pile of trash. Throw in sleep deprivation (little man has colic:/), spells of crying for no reason at all, and the postpartum body that is newly embellished with some awesome pin-striping and that droops and sags in places it shouldn't and won't fit into anything but sweats, and you get the picture. It's not a pretty picture. It's like mother nature hits you with everything at once. She has no mercy. You would think you would get some kind of break after going through 10 months of pregnancy, labor and delivery, breastfeeding, etc. I guess the Lord thinks women are pretty strong and that's why we get the honor of bearing the beautiful burden of childbearing. Honestly, could you imagine a man going through this?! Most of the men in my life think they are dying when they have a cold. My mom always said there is nothing worse than a sick man and I think she's right. All this aside, I have two VERY active kids who wake me up at the crack of dawn, just when I finally get Sawyer to sleep and am praying that the Lord will have mercy on me and let me get an hour of sleep before I have to face another day. Having three kids is HARD. I did not read the fine print when I signed up for parenthood, but that's probably a good thing. I can do hard things though, right? I just keep telling myself that this stage won't last forever and to TRY to at least enjoy the good moments before they are gone, especially since this is our last baby.

I'm pretty darn proud of myself for doing this post actually. This took a lot of mental effort and willpower. Depression kind of robs of you of willpower or the desire to do anything at all, but I've been fighting it and will continue to. Things that have helped me (even though every cell in my body screams "NO I DON'T WANT TO!!!") are to make the beds, open the blinds and curtains, do a couple house chores a day, get ready for the day (shower, put on clothes that don't smell like milk), and to take the kids to the park or on a walk. Brannon has helped me immensely by doing household chores and watching the kids so I can have an hour to myself at the gym or shopping or doing absolutely nothing. I think that helps to still make time for myself so I don't lose myself in all the motherhood demands of me, especially right now. I'm so thankful for him. I don't know how single parents do it, but kudos to you! I hope I'm not too much of a "Debbie Downer," but this is my reality and I'm just trying to make the best of it, which is the most that anyone can do right?

What really gets me through this is knowing that God knows me and hears my pleas and has sent me help in the form of caring friends, family, and neighbors. He's blessed me with tender mercies like my kids abstaining from fighting for pretty much an entire day or me scoring a  two hour nap because I was able to get my two youngest down for a nap and my oldest stayed entertained for that whole time, and when I got texts or phone calls or letters just at the right time. All these little things show me that He hears me and cares about me. Some people wait for God Himself to show up and help them out or to give them a "sign," but what they don't realize is that God is sending help. He just does it through other people. That's why it's so important to stay close to the spirit. When you feel prompted to do something for someone, you'd better do it now, because you really don't know that person has been pleading for a sign that God hears their prayers. You may be that answer. Thanks to all of those who have been my answers. I don't want to be so distracted with the struggle of depression and the mundane of motherhood that I forget to enjoy the time I have NOW with my babies, so again, thanks to those of you who have helped to make my life a little easier so that I can more fully enjoy being "mom."