Motherhood is hard

Today has been one of those days. All of you who are moms out there know what I'm talking about.  The kids won't stop fighting, they want my constant attention, they want to be fed, they want to be held, they want their bums changed and wiped, they want boogers wiped off their faces, they want to go on a walk in 95 degree weather, they want to drip popsicles all over the kitchen floor, they want to dump goldfish and chips all over the couch and the floor, they want to shake my huge belly to wake the baby up and see if he has hiccups, they want to make sure that I can't sit down for five whole minutes to rest my aching, swollen, 39-week-pregnant feet...basically they want to be kids and I can't figure out why I'm having such a hard time with it.

Motherhood scares me sometimes, like right now. It seems the past two weeks have been especially trying and I don't know if it's because I am SO ready to get this baby out, but scared at the same time of having to figure out how to juggle three kids, or if it's because I'm having a hard time adjusting to a mommy schedule vs. a work schedule. I'm beginning to think that maybe I'm the one who needs a little more structured time. Maybe waking up whenever the kids get me up (which has been early the last month) is not the best idea. I usually wake up grouchy and eager to turn on PBS cartoons for the monkeys so that maybe I can go back to sleep for a half hour. Even then, I wake up feeling worse and the feelings perpetuate throughout the day. I feel guilty for using the TV as a babysitter. I feel like they watch too much TV right now anyway, which is not good. Nobody has to tell me that. This summer heat gets me down worse than the winter cold.

I even planned out activities for each weekday for my kids for June and July hoping that maybe I could avoid the summertime blues and boredom. We do park day and a picnic once a week, summer movie clubhouse once a week, parks and walks at night, the AirForce Museum, the train museum, Boondocks, we tried out a splash pad, and we even made our own bouncy balls and sand art vials--which is really going out on a limb for me. I feel like things have gone stale and that all I end up doing by the afternoon of each day is getting after my kids for fighting and for driving me crazy!

Sometimes I wonder about my abilities as a mother. It gets hard to keep up with the everyday demands of childhood. I don't know how my mother ever had five of us and I catch myself every day saying things and doing things I swore I'd never do when I was a mom. Boy how wrong and naïve I was about the concept of motherhood. I'm not saying I regret my choice to become a mother--I'm just saying that it's one hell of a tough job--the toughest job I've ever had and ever will have and some days it might be good to know that I'm not failing at this job because it is also the most important job I will ever have. Maybe that's why I stress so much about whether or not I'm a good enough mom or if I'm doing my best each day to make sure they are not only taken care of, but feel loved, by me. Sometimes I think most of our day is spent doing the mundane and that maybe too many days go by without real quality time. It's hard to keep up with the responsibilities of maintaining a household, taking care of kids, and a husband.

I'm not so insensitive as to not recognize that there are a lot of women out there who would give anything to be in the same situation as me--a wife and a mother. I know that blessing doesn't come for every woman and I am grateful for these callings in life, truly I am, but sometimes a girl just needs to vent. I think after taking my kids to two OB appointments this week and two dentist appointments, that I maxed out my patience card and my nerves. You can only explain so much to a 5-year-old about an exam to check the cervix for dilation when he's sitting in the same room. The horror! Taking two young kids with me to an appointment  like THAT! Taj was especially curious about the gel the doctor put on his gloves and he loudly questioned if the doctor put that stuff on so my bum didn't get sore. Yes he did Taj, that's EXACTLY what that stuff is for!

Please tell me that I'm not going to implode when this third baby comes. All I hear from everyone is that the third one is THE hardest--thanks a lot people, not very encouraging for a mom on the edge already! Please someone tell me that it gets easier, or is that just the natural man in me crying for the easy way out? I'm very observant of the moms around me and it looks like you all have it "together," much more than I do. I know I shouldn't compare, but sometimes it's impossible to NOT to! This is me in my moment of weakness. This is me saying that I'm not going to give up just yet on myself as a mom. I'm going to keep plowing through and hoping for that ray of sun after the storm. Maybe our little man will be that ray that calms the storm inside me.


Thank goodness the dentist is actually fun for these guys, a tender mercy indeed.

Pioneer Day 2013 Parade

If you read my previous post, then here is the proof in pictures that the Plain City 4th of July Parade was pretty much the same as a parade you would see in Monticello--note the tractor picture of Taj with a big grin on his face. For a kid that is obsessed with motors, gears, levers, and tires, small town parades are the jack pot for him because we get to see A LOT of moving farm machinery in a small town parade.

We usually spend the 24th in Monticello every year. It's kind of the one holiday that everyone tries to make it back home for. It's right up there with Thanksgiving and Christmas, only somehow I think the kids think a parade and candy and fireworks are a little more fun than turkey and stuffing. This year we won't be able to make it, which is a HUGE bummer because I really wanted to be there for my 10 year class reunion and catch up with some old friends.  I catch up with old friends every year anyway over the 24th--you just need to go to the annual softball tournament and you can pretty much run into MHS alumni from every class that ever attended MHS. Besides missing my old friends, the kids are going to miss out on jeep rides, four wheeler rides, and playing with Papi, my parents' old golden retriever. Little man is set to make his appearance any day now (I hope!), so heading south will not be on the agenda this year. Thank goodness we found Plain City because at least we can still take the kids to a parade.

Here's to hoping the next post will be a debut of little man!

 

 She wasn't two yet in this pic. I love those little piggies in her hair and it makes me sad to think that she won't ever be this small again. Why does watching your kids grow up have to be painful???

 He looks so small here too. He's going to be 6 years old this year and he's starting kindergarten. I don't know how I'm going to handle having him gone EVERY day to school. I'm definitely going to miss driving around an assortment of jeeps, trucks, four-wheelers, trailers, motorcycles, and boats up and down the stairs and around the coffee table in the living room with this boy while Haiven naps in the afternoon. He has quite the imagination-never grow up Taj!

 Me and my Granny Martha. She's known as "Granny" in my house because the kids got too confused with two "Grammas" in Monticello. I sure do love this ol' spitfire of a grandma!

  My brother was new daddy in this pic. Kids grow up fast in one short year and now his little man isn't so little anymore and he's into EVERYTHING! That boy is an accident waiting to happen. I forget how busy little boys can be. He's reminded me of what I have to look forward to when this little guy finally decides it's safe to come out!

 

 You would think the two tough guys in the picture could have mustered up a smile--come on guys the parade was a little more exciting than that! That's my dad and brother by the way and their personalities are much livelier than depicted. My mom looks beautimous of course and happy to be there with her number one fan on her lap!

Happy Freedom Day!

This year we decided not to brave the enormous crowds and hot temperatures at the annual 4th of July Parade in Kaysville. We've attempted watching the Kaysville parade twice and both times were epic fails. First of all, we didn't know you had to set up chairs 24 hrs in advance at exactly midnight the day before if you even hoped to get a glimpse of a float. The chairs line main street of Kaysville and they're at least four or five rows deep.  The most coveted spots are where there will be shade of course, so there is some logic to the chair placement. You forget to set up chairs and sorry, but your SOL. You will see nothing but the backs of peoples heads and the tops of canvas shade canopies. We know because that's what happened to us.
Second of all, there are so many people there that your kids don't have a prayer of obtaining even one piece of that nasty salt water taffy or a tootsie roll. You even try to get close to the road and you have to fight off three rows of kids, not to mention the super staunch parade police that rain down their fury on any child that steps over the line to grab a dum-dum.
ANYWAY, this year we decided we actually wanted our kids to be able to see a parade AND to get some candy too, so we headed north to Plain City, a small town that reminds me of home. We knew we were in the right spot when all we had to do was follow the crowd to the main drag in town only 30 minutes pre-parade and easily find a spot to set up camp.  This is such a neat little community and it reminded us so much of home. There was a nice family across the street giving away free scones, fresh fruit, and ice-cold bottled water before the parade began. I was extremely grateful because I had to skip breakfast so we could make it to the parade in time. We tried to offer them payment and they of course refused. People are different here, definitely small town, and it was good to feel like we fit in. The kids loved the parade which mostly consisted of horses, bikes, tractors, trucks, four wheelers, and a smattering of floats. It was just like a parade you would see in any small town in Utah, totally reminded us of Monticello. I'm pretty sure we will be going back for the 24th and next year for sure! All you other city folk stay put though--Plain City is ours now. Go find your own small town to celebrate in!

 Haiven was definitely into the free candy part of the parade. She actually picked up most of the candy. I practically had to dump Taj out of his chair to get him to pick up a piece of candy--it was okay though because Haiv had them both covered.

 It's pretty obvious what Taj loved most about the parade. We are still talking about the tractors we saw that day.

 Probably one of my favorite pics!

 The kids especially loved the dog on the four-wheeler. Poor kids, they would kill to have a dog, but I just CANNOT even fathom cleaning up after a dog right now, especially now that I will have THREE monkeys to take care of instead of two. I can barely handle my kids poop and puke--there is no way I can handle a dog's! Yuck! Someday when the kids get older and can deal with the fun realities of owning a pet, THEN they can have one!

Haiv was not loving the fire trucks and police cars blaring their sirens and horns. She was absolutely terrified and I think her daddy was loving every minute of it.

A Day at the Lake

Last summer when we visited Papa and Grandma in Monticello, we spent an afternoon at the lake, Lloyd's Lake that is. You won't see any boats or jet skis on this lake, but you will find mud and LOTS of it! Oh and mosquitos too, which turned our afternoon into about half an hour.  It's pretty obvious who had the most fun and who cried the whole time because she got a little mud on her toes and fingers. She is so girly and I LOVE it! We are pretty positive that we are done having kids and so knowing that Haiv will be my only girl makes me cherish these moments more than ever. I would probably be okay to have a 4th if someone could guarantee me I would get a girl, but alas there are no guarantees when it comes to babies and the thought of having three boys to wrangle gets me biting my nails with a mixture of anxiety and fear, so three it is!

If I weren't so great with child, I would take them back for the annual Pioneer Day celebration in Monticello and we would try out the lake again. I know a certain little boy that would have no qualms with getting muddy a second time around. All those pictures of him smiling and laughing? That's Taj being a regular ol' big brother and laughing at his sister's obvious distress at having mud all over her. He's standing over my shoulder laughing at these pictures right now--such a boy! Sometimes I wish we lived in a small town like Monticello where I grew up. We've found that it's a lot harder to get into the wild up here in the city. Seems like we have to drive and drive just to find a trail to hike or a lake to walk around and even then, these places are crawling with people. I guess we took for granted how easy it was to take a 5 minute walk and be alone on the mountain if you needed some space. It's no wonder my kids never want to come home when we visit Monticello--there's so much to do and explore OUTSIDE! They never watch tv while we're there and it seems like we do too much of that up here. There is just something about growing up in the country that cannot be replicated in a city. If only it were easier to make a living in a small town!

 

 

Cheap Sunglasses

What kid doesn't love a pair of cheap sunglasses? These pictures were from summer of last year and amazingly we've only lost the camouflage safety glasses (which really isn't a tragedy because Brannon used to sport them too even though I told him he looked like an insect when he wore them) 

Haiv still sports the glasses in these pictures, so yay us for not having to purchase another pair this summer to get lost or broken!